David Jackson
Active member
- Location
- Estonia
Well as the title says, I'm lost.
Not lost in the airport as the forum indicates, but lost on my future plans.
I reckon everyone has either had the same issue or is going to have it some day, depending on age. It's difficult to explain, but if you are bored then feel free to stick around and read. For those who are lazier, the quick version is in the bottom. With that being said, this is my story.
I'm a young lad, age of 16, about to enter the gymnasium. I don't live in a very wealthy country, not a wealthy family, so i'm doing what i can to make the most out of life. It hasn't been very easy, because i'm battling depression without anyone knowing, i don't really have any friends to talk with and everyone in my town despises me. I have been bullied for different reasons in school and out school for 7 years. People just call it banter and i've taken it. Noone knows about my problems, really. Atleast i have a few guys who i sometimes hang with, but not as friends, just as a group of lads who have nothing better to do than grill or play games.
My childhood has been tough. I really can't say that. I'm lukcy i can be in a warm home, have clothes on my back and get to eat. I mean as my family is a chaos. My mother used to cheat on my father, then they seperated. Also, when she left, she took the money that was meant for me and my brother. My father's side granddad worked hard for it and grinded it for many years. He still doesn't know it's gone. I live with my dad and sometimes visit my mother for a weekend. She likes to be really active, however my father likes peace and quiet. I'm more like my dad, but my brother is more like my mom.
My father is patient, but his life is not the best. People at his workplace do less than him and get more paid, they do their shit wrong and my dad has to overdo those things. I'm not saying this because my father told me so, but i'm saying this because i've been to his work and seen what the chaos is there. He smokes to calm his nerves, but that doesn't help too much. Whenever he is home and doesn't have to go to work the next day, he drinks. A lot. I won't judge him for that as i understand his position. He doesn't hit me or anything, it's all good. However sometimes he takes his problems out on me. He claims that i should go outside and not stay on the internet all day, but who can blame him. When he was young, he had good friends who he hung with all day, my country was occupied by Russia and when he was 14, he already rode motorcycles over 100mph on dirt roads. Noone cared at that time. Now on the other hand, if you don't have fancy clothes or some bullshit like that, you're a loser.
Because of that, he does not appreciate Internet and doesn't like me having it. On the other hand, i don't really want to tell him my problems, he is already frusthrated enough. Let's keep going. I've buried my social life and been on the webs playing games and finding groups who to chill with. It has been to me, that every community i'm in, i mess up my position and make everyone my enemy within the first month. Well, i've been here since March and i think this is my record of not losing myself. I do get triggered easily, but i tend to calm down in a few. I enjoyed playing arma life a lot, aswell the other games...but then it all changed.
You see, i used to play NHS, the simplest, safest and most roleplaying faction. Then i tried to get myself a life...as a hobo..for a starter. It was very difficult as big gangs always tried to rob me and take my vehicles. I simply gave up. I thought, what the heck, i'm going to join cops. It was difficult dealing with all the crooks and twisted minds, but i got some fun roleplay out of it and it was alright. When the *New* police system came, i found myself abused by the higher ups and decided to leave. I heard things about me that i had not said, but yeah..who am i to speak the truth, a hobo. After a while i found myself struggling with civil life again, so i decided to join The Psychos for some protection. It just turned out that when i joined it, i had to wear a bombvest and threaten civilians as i was claimed to be a TERRORIST. None of us, except for the police, liked this one, so we didn't visit the server much at the time. On of my mates, Harry, who was and still is a cop, claimed that he couldn't roleplay, since the cop's rep was ruined and the rebels kept their guns out every time they saw a cop. Who would like to go to jail for being in a gang?
After this was removed, i started going on the server again, only to find myself fighting for my life with the cops every 30 mintues or so. I even tried to roleplay, but they had metagamed my name and not gone with my scenario. I talked to the officers in liaison, but they claimed they don't care, as they were an INS some time back and they did everything right. After this i went to ask the staff if i was in the wrong, but i wasn't. Unfortunately i'm not recording everything i do, so i suppose a lot more people got abused by this particular officer. I decide to keep his name secret, but whoever he is, i hope he lives in guilt.
I've always heard that gangs are baiting for gunfights, but when the police comes to pull you over and then straight up ignores that they are not caucious in 2vs7 situation, it's kind of obvious they like to bait and show up with their fancy blackfishes. THANK GOD TO UNMC FOR SHOWING THE COPS NOT TO BE A**HOLES! YEET! I've given up the server and now gotten into rainbow 6 siege to plaay with the Psychos and some other games aswell.
About those games, this has really brought me down. As i am into the games, i also tend to watch videos on youtube of guys playing these. From those videos, i'm trying to learn strats and seeing how the game works. It's a lot easier to play when you know what you are doing and what options the enemys have to turn on you. I am frustrathed by this small thing. As you see in the beginning of the text, i said i do not have a job nor do i have a lot of money. I'm just a student with no income. My mom doesn't really care about me and my dad doesn't like me wasting my time at my desk. Not really anyone knows what i feel and how the internet is my only joy.
It's really rough just watching everyone play the games and have fun. I barely ran arma in 30 fps, i can't play Rust over 15 since they removed directX9, Rainbow 6 Siege is also 22 frames. Even MINECRAFT doesn't run well for me. I know it's not really a thing to be crying about, but when it's my only part of life, you might understand why i'm so stressed about it. I literally got nothing else to do with my life other than kill myself. I know people have siad for me to be social but i have tried. So hard have i tried. It's no use. And i'm not going to end my life because otherwise i'd ruin my dad's life and other lives aswell. I do hope noone here tries to contact anyone to help me, but takes this as a message to theirselves.
Here's what i'm trying to say. I do not have any options, no open doors nor windows, I'm just a small twat on the forums complaining about my already good life, which i do not know how to use. Please try to value the things you have unlike me and enjoy your life fully, even if you are young and thing everything is over.
Thank you for reading this. It's good to atleast write about it.
Have a great day. -Ras
Not lost in the airport as the forum indicates, but lost on my future plans.
I reckon everyone has either had the same issue or is going to have it some day, depending on age. It's difficult to explain, but if you are bored then feel free to stick around and read. For those who are lazier, the quick version is in the bottom. With that being said, this is my story.
I'm a young lad, age of 16, about to enter the gymnasium. I don't live in a very wealthy country, not a wealthy family, so i'm doing what i can to make the most out of life. It hasn't been very easy, because i'm battling depression without anyone knowing, i don't really have any friends to talk with and everyone in my town despises me. I have been bullied for different reasons in school and out school for 7 years. People just call it banter and i've taken it. Noone knows about my problems, really. Atleast i have a few guys who i sometimes hang with, but not as friends, just as a group of lads who have nothing better to do than grill or play games.
My childhood has been tough. I really can't say that. I'm lukcy i can be in a warm home, have clothes on my back and get to eat. I mean as my family is a chaos. My mother used to cheat on my father, then they seperated. Also, when she left, she took the money that was meant for me and my brother. My father's side granddad worked hard for it and grinded it for many years. He still doesn't know it's gone. I live with my dad and sometimes visit my mother for a weekend. She likes to be really active, however my father likes peace and quiet. I'm more like my dad, but my brother is more like my mom.
My father is patient, but his life is not the best. People at his workplace do less than him and get more paid, they do their shit wrong and my dad has to overdo those things. I'm not saying this because my father told me so, but i'm saying this because i've been to his work and seen what the chaos is there. He smokes to calm his nerves, but that doesn't help too much. Whenever he is home and doesn't have to go to work the next day, he drinks. A lot. I won't judge him for that as i understand his position. He doesn't hit me or anything, it's all good. However sometimes he takes his problems out on me. He claims that i should go outside and not stay on the internet all day, but who can blame him. When he was young, he had good friends who he hung with all day, my country was occupied by Russia and when he was 14, he already rode motorcycles over 100mph on dirt roads. Noone cared at that time. Now on the other hand, if you don't have fancy clothes or some bullshit like that, you're a loser.
Because of that, he does not appreciate Internet and doesn't like me having it. On the other hand, i don't really want to tell him my problems, he is already frusthrated enough. Let's keep going. I've buried my social life and been on the webs playing games and finding groups who to chill with. It has been to me, that every community i'm in, i mess up my position and make everyone my enemy within the first month. Well, i've been here since March and i think this is my record of not losing myself. I do get triggered easily, but i tend to calm down in a few. I enjoyed playing arma life a lot, aswell the other games...but then it all changed.
You see, i used to play NHS, the simplest, safest and most roleplaying faction. Then i tried to get myself a life...as a hobo..for a starter. It was very difficult as big gangs always tried to rob me and take my vehicles. I simply gave up. I thought, what the heck, i'm going to join cops. It was difficult dealing with all the crooks and twisted minds, but i got some fun roleplay out of it and it was alright. When the *New* police system came, i found myself abused by the higher ups and decided to leave. I heard things about me that i had not said, but yeah..who am i to speak the truth, a hobo. After a while i found myself struggling with civil life again, so i decided to join The Psychos for some protection. It just turned out that when i joined it, i had to wear a bombvest and threaten civilians as i was claimed to be a TERRORIST. None of us, except for the police, liked this one, so we didn't visit the server much at the time. On of my mates, Harry, who was and still is a cop, claimed that he couldn't roleplay, since the cop's rep was ruined and the rebels kept their guns out every time they saw a cop. Who would like to go to jail for being in a gang?
After this was removed, i started going on the server again, only to find myself fighting for my life with the cops every 30 mintues or so. I even tried to roleplay, but they had metagamed my name and not gone with my scenario. I talked to the officers in liaison, but they claimed they don't care, as they were an INS some time back and they did everything right. After this i went to ask the staff if i was in the wrong, but i wasn't. Unfortunately i'm not recording everything i do, so i suppose a lot more people got abused by this particular officer. I decide to keep his name secret, but whoever he is, i hope he lives in guilt.
I've always heard that gangs are baiting for gunfights, but when the police comes to pull you over and then straight up ignores that they are not caucious in 2vs7 situation, it's kind of obvious they like to bait and show up with their fancy blackfishes. THANK GOD TO UNMC FOR SHOWING THE COPS NOT TO BE A**HOLES! YEET! I've given up the server and now gotten into rainbow 6 siege to plaay with the Psychos and some other games aswell.
About those games, this has really brought me down. As i am into the games, i also tend to watch videos on youtube of guys playing these. From those videos, i'm trying to learn strats and seeing how the game works. It's a lot easier to play when you know what you are doing and what options the enemys have to turn on you. I am frustrathed by this small thing. As you see in the beginning of the text, i said i do not have a job nor do i have a lot of money. I'm just a student with no income. My mom doesn't really care about me and my dad doesn't like me wasting my time at my desk. Not really anyone knows what i feel and how the internet is my only joy.
It's really rough just watching everyone play the games and have fun. I barely ran arma in 30 fps, i can't play Rust over 15 since they removed directX9, Rainbow 6 Siege is also 22 frames. Even MINECRAFT doesn't run well for me. I know it's not really a thing to be crying about, but when it's my only part of life, you might understand why i'm so stressed about it. I literally got nothing else to do with my life other than kill myself. I know people have siad for me to be social but i have tried. So hard have i tried. It's no use. And i'm not going to end my life because otherwise i'd ruin my dad's life and other lives aswell. I do hope noone here tries to contact anyone to help me, but takes this as a message to theirselves.
Here's what i'm trying to say. I do not have any options, no open doors nor windows, I'm just a small twat on the forums complaining about my already good life, which i do not know how to use. Please try to value the things you have unlike me and enjoy your life fully, even if you are young and thing everything is over.
Thank you for reading this. It's good to atleast write about it.
Have a great day. -Ras
